“The relational answer to the question who is right and who is wrong is who cares.”
Terry Real
When couples ask me (usually in sheer exasperation about something they have battled out at home, sometimes for many years): “who is right?” I always say: “You both are…let me help you see how.”
When couples first come to therapy, it is rare that they are not in the thick of what’s called the power struggle, a period in relational time, not long after the romantic love has faded, that feels very much like a struggle. It is characterised by an almost fight to the death to be the one whose way is the right way. To protect our own existence, we attempt to diminish our partner’s reality – unconsciously of course – it is hard to acknowledge that by refusing to see our partner’s side we are diminishing the reality of someone we love.
When you think about it, it actually makes perfect sense that this person, may see something differently from you. We know from the research that 2 people can experience the exact same incident and recount it completely differently. In a relationship you are bringing together 2 people who came from completely different families and even where you are matched in perhaps coming from similar backgrounds, neighbourhoods, religion, education etc you have experienced them completely differently. Now, somehow you find it inconceivable that your partner thinks a holiday means doing nothing at home while you want to go adventuring to a place you have never been before! Or that your partner thinks Christmas is something to rival the Griswalds while you would prefer a quiet restaurant dinner!
Stopping the battle will not happen by trying to convince the other person that you are right and they are wrong. In order to stop the fight (and get out of the power struggle) and we need to take a step back and with compassion and empathy get curious about where our partner is coming from – but here’s the catch – even if we don’t agree with them. Learning to do this can enrich your relationship as you learn to appreciate the differences in each other and find pathways through the difficulties that can work for both of you. You are no longer fighting about who is right – you are finding the way in which each of you is right.
This can seem like a big ask. Mainly because most of us have never learnt the skill in school, nor seen it modelled by parents who may not even have navigated the power struggle effectively themselves. And even if you have learnt some of this in a work context, it is very different because we are not usually in an emotionally invested relationship with our work colleagues. We need to learn how to override our emotional, auto-pilot, always done it this way part of our brain and kick into gear the part of our brain that is open to hearing and interpreting things differently. This is a skill that can be learnt.
Many couples have been struggling for a long time before they seek help. The downside to this is that with every difficult interaction – every time raising an issue turns into a fight – negativity grows. Before you know it, instead of seeing and believing the best in your partner you see only difficulties with being heard and the feeling of needs being unmet. A painful place in a relationship and the place most seek help. Save the pain and get the help earlier. Getting out of the power struggle is easier than you think.